By Shari L. Shapiro
For a long time, I thought I knew how to spot the kids who needed help most.
They were the ones raising their voices, knocking over chairs, and tearing up during math class.
The kids whose pain was obvious to everyone.
If I’m honest, I trusted my instincts a little too much.
Because what I’ve learned, the hard way, and over years of sitting with kids and counselors, is that urgency doesn’t always look urgent. And distress doesn’t always announce itself with bells and whistles.
These days, the kids I worry about most are the ones no one else is.
They’re the ones who don’t cause problems.
The ones who get good grades.
The ones who don’t ask for help because they’ve learned not to need it.
They slip under the radar precisely because they seem “fine.”
I remember a student that a counselor once mentioned almost in passing. No behavior issues. No meltdowns. Teachers liked him. He smiled when spoken to. He did his work. He never made a big deal about seeing his counselor.
But he came anyway, quietly and regularly, because sitting in class felt like he couldn’t breathe. Because home was falling apart. Because being invisible had become his best coping strategy.
And no one was worried about him.
Until he finally said, “I don’t think anyone would notice if I wasn’t here.”
That sentence has stayed with both his TeenTalk counselor and with me.
In schools, at home, around dinner tables, we are naturally drawn to what’s loud. What’s disruptive. What demands immediate attention. And of course, those kids deserve our attention and support, often urgently.
But there is a quieter group of kids who are carrying just as much, sometimes more.
They’re anxious but high-functioning.
They’re sad but polite.
They’re overwhelmed but responsible.
They’ve learned that being easy is safer than being honest.
At Kids In Crisis, our counselors see this pattern all too often. The student who never gets written up but stops sleeping. The child who laughs with friends but goes home to panic attacks. The teen who helps everyone else and never talks about themselves.
These are the kids who worry me the most now, not because they’re dangerous or dramatic, but because they are easy to miss.
And once you see it, you start seeing it everywhere.
You see it in your own house, when your child says “I’m fine” a little too quickly.
You see it at the dinner table, when the quietest kid eats the fastest.
You see it when grades stay high, but joy disappears.
So what do we do with that?
We start by expanding our definition of “struggling.”
Struggling doesn’t always mean acting out.
It can mean shutting down.
It can mean perfectionism.
It can mean never asking for help because help has never felt reliable.
Here are a few things I’ve learned to look for, and I’m encouraging parents to notice too:
Pay attention to changes, not just crises.
A child who used to love soccer but suddenly quits. A teen who stops seeing friends. A kid who sleeps more, or less, or is always exhausted. These shifts matter.
Make space for quiet
check-ins.
Not every conversation has to be a big talk. Sometimes it’s a drive in the car. A walk after dinner. Sitting side by side doing nothing. That’s often when the truth
sneaks out.
Normalize needing help… even when things look okay.
You don’t have to wait for a breaking point to talk to a counselor, a teacher, or a trusted adult. Support isn’t just for emergencies; it’s for prevention.
One of the most powerful things school-based counselors do is notice the kids no one else notices. They offer a steady presence. A place to exhale. A chance to say the quiet things out loud before they turn into something heavier.
And for families, it helps to remember this: your child doesn’t need to be in crisis to deserve care.
If you’re reading this and thinking of a child who seems fine, but something in your gut says otherwise, trust that feeling. Ask the extra question. Sit a little longer. Listen without trying to fix.
And if you ever need help figuring out what to say, or whether something is “serious enough,” you don’t have to decide alone. The Kids In Crisis 24/7 Helpline is always available at 203-661-1911 for parents, caregivers, and kids. Big concerns. Small worries. Quiet fears. We take them all seriously.
Because the truth I had to admit is this:
The kids who need us most aren’t always the ones calling out.
Sometimes, they’re the ones hoping someone will finally notice.
Shari L. Shapiro is the Executive Director of Kids In Crisis
